Will I lose my dignity? Will you still care?

Computers Suck.

Wow, I have no idea why it is so hard to write this post. This is the 4th time I’ve wiped everything out and started it over again. So, I have now moved – or sort of – I am still in the process of moving. I’ve moved in with a guy I’ve known for a while – 5 or 6 years, because his roommate decided to move out and since all of my bills have gotten so backed up, it seems almost impossible to dig myself out from them without having a roommate. I got my job at Centipede Networks back, and have been there 2 or 3 weeks now. It has been really nice working there again. I absolutely loved working there before, but I got side tracked by things that didn’t matter, and so they let me go because they felt that I didn’t want to work there any more. After that, I kind of slid downhill. I took a month “off” and after that, I started looking for a job. But not extremely hard. I’ve been dating Marsha for somewhere around 5-6 years, and she talked with me quite a bit during all of this time, and got me kind of pointed back online. Even going so far as to consider actually being with me – in fact, we were planning on moving in together. At that point, I knew I had to get serious about a job, because she has kids, and if I was going to be supporting them, I needed to get a job, one worth keeping, one worth going to day after day, that would make sure to pay the bills and not be one that I would want to quit after a few days of working there. I thought I had found it, working at Atlantis Plastics – it wasn’t the greatest of jobs, but the pay was amazing, and the hours were good as well, except that I want to go back to college and get a degree.

Then I got laid off from there. At this point I wasn’t sure what to do. Chris was moving to Oregon, and I don’t really have that many friends here, so I went with him to the coffee shop we normally go to, and he and I talked for a bit, and then Ben showed up there as well. He and I talked for a bit as well, and then we stepped outside to smoke, while Chris stayed inside, since he is a non-smoker. Ben asked me about Centipede Networks, and if I had liked it, and then mentioned that he was waiting to hear back from a job in San Francisco, and if he got it, he would probably be leaving Centipede Networks for the other job. He said I should email Kirk there and possibly talk to him about coming back, the worst that could happen would be they say no. I told Ben I didn’t think they would be open to it, but I would consider it.

After much deliberation, and talking to Marsha about it, I decided to go for it. So I emailed them, and we talked, and they decided to give me a shot. So I’ve been there for about 3 weeks now, and loving it again.

Through all of this, Marsha has been my rock, my foundation, the person who I could turn to to talk about anything. And she always has been… until now. I really don’t understand what is going on, and I can’t really talk to her about it, because its all on her end really. We will go back and forth about things, we will be together, and then we won’t, and then we will, and then we won’t. It tends to take a toll on you, it really does. There have been so many times where I have been so close to just calling it all off, not wanting to deal with everything anymore, but to this day I continue, because above all else, she is worth it to me.

Now, she is working on things that she needs to work on, doing the things that she needs to do, and even though we only live around 20 miles away from each other (at most, I am not actually sure how far we are exactly) we mainly talked online, due to various different reasons, and because of all of this, she is rarely ever online anymore. I love her, and I do support her, even if it does frustrate me because we never talk anymore.

I am not sure where I was going with this post. I guess I just wanted to tell Marsha I miss her like crazy, and let everyone else know what all has been going on with me lately, although it isn’t extremely detailed.