Will I lose my dignity? Will you still care?

So, I am currently facing the fact that I am alone. It is something I have been struggling with lately. I realize that I have friends, and that is all well and good, but the thing is, I am actually alone. I don’t have that someone special out there anymore. I thought I did – hell, I still wish I did, because I am quite choosey. I am not the type of person who is able to just sleep around, you know, those so called booty calls. The person has to mean something to me. And herein lies my problem. I am tired of being alone, and I don’t want to be anymore. But, I really don’t want to go out and look. The last time, I didn’t even go out and look, it just sort of happened, and it was great for a long time, but as with everything, things come to an end. I have actually known this for quite some time, I just haven’t wanted to believe it – actually, I still don’t quite believe it – sort of a, holding out, hoping that this is yet another thing that I am really wrong about. If you want to know why, please email me, I won’t go into the details in public, despite how open this post may seem, there are some things that I still want to keep private.

So what do I do? I work from 8am to 5pm, and then I typically stay after work until 7pm – I say it is because of playing Halo, but really, I don’t play it as often as I make out to. The real reason is, I just don’t want to come home to my “empty” apartment. I can’t really explain it, although I have tried. I gave something extremely important to me up recently, in the hopes of “getting” something else that was equally important to me, and in the end, I have come up “empty handed.”

I have been trying to ignore all of these feelings, and perhaps that is another reason that I stay at work for so long, because it gives me something else to focus on, which is good for me, I tend to lack focus sometimes. I just don’t know, I feel really blah right now, and I know that it is somewhat of depression, although, normally when I get like this, I just sort of “shut down” – I don’t go anywhere, I don’t do anything, I avoid talking to anyone except when it is absolutely required.

I don’t know what to do, and I am trying to work my way through this, and it is new territory for me, as I normally just run screaming in the opposite direction when I am faced with something that I really don’t want to deal with.

I have plans though, or at least, a very rough sketch of what I would like. The problem is, the sketch relies on others, and throughout my life, I have had to deal with others letting me down. Part of the problem there is that I have expectations that I set, both for myself, and for others, and I set the bar fairly high. Oddly, I set the bar even higher for others than I do for myself, and I get more upset that others don’t meet those expectations than I do for myself. Part of that is that I hold myself back, I don’t take as many chances as I would like to, partly because I have this really stupid habit of taking the chances that I shouldn’t, instead of the ones that I should.

I will likely be doing more posts about this whole topic in the near future, but for now, I am going to go and get some sleep I think. Sleep is good these days, although I have had a couple of weird dreams that I should probably talk about – at least, to the people who are in them – if for no other reason than to talk about them.