So, I have now been working for a full week, I have started taking calls already, and though I have needed a little help along the way, overall, I think I am doing pretty good. I understand most of our setup, and really enjoy working there. The co-workers are awesome, and being as it is a fairly small business, it is almost like a family type setting – except you can get kicked out 
I work until 5pm, and then after that, I will either head home, if there is something I really want/need to do at home, or I will stay there, and play some Halo 2, or do some work (no, not where I work) on things that interest me, or read more about the software we run/use on a daily basis.
I get an hour long lunch time, which is fairly nice, although we aren't (usually) extremely busy, so it isn't extremely fast paced, but then, I haven't started working on our Enterprise machines yet either.
On to the social life…
This is where it gets tricky. What to, and what not to say. This is my blog, and there are actually a LOT of things that I want to say, but I simply don't because I know that there are a lot of people out there who read my blog. Some things are extremely personal, and I just want to get them out to someone, or somewhere, although when it is to someone, I do tend to use email more than I use the blog. I am also pretty bad about updating this thing. Sometimes, it is because I really can't make a "coherent" statement about how/what I am feeling, and want to sit on it for a bit, and by then, I have moved on to something else, or there is some new issue to work on.
My stomach is in knots currently, and has been for the past 4 days, because I am still waiting to hear back from the apartments (yeah I know, I should call them rather than just keep waiting) about the lease. Relationship-wise, I really don't know where I stand. Not so much where I stand, but where, if anywhere, it is going. I did some things a long time ago, that I never really told anyone about, except the people that were involved. But I want to get them out, so I am going to say it. I have been in a relationship with my "womanz" for 3 years now. The first year was actually quite spectacular, despite being 1400 miles apart. Into the second year, I started listening to the people around me, instead of trusting my instincts, and my heart, and started getting a lot of doubts. At this time, she and I were discussing me moving closer, and I finally agreed to, but kept "putting it off" — the only reason why it took so long was because of listening to those around me. I stopped trusting her as much as I had, and actually broke HER trust in me – see, we met while playing an online video game. As such, as we got to know each other, we shared our login information with each other. I took it a step further when I stopped listening to her, and started thinking almost everything coming out of her was a lie, and started checking her email. I did this regularly, it was stupid of me – and you know, to be quite frank, I never once found ONE reason why I should keep doing it – there was never anything to cause me to "worry" so to speak, so WHY I continued to check, I really have no idea. I wanted to tell her what I was doing, but by this time, I was so afraid of her reaction (although WHY I was afraid, I will really never know.) She has always been there, except when things were out of her hands, and she couldn't be (and yes, I do believe she wanted to 
) Anyways, instead of coming right out, and saying, Hey, I'm really sorry to have to tell you this, but I have been checking your email. Instead, I would drop "hints" here and there, mention something I had read, but we hadn't discussed – things like that. She never really made a "big" deal out of it. I was actually starting to wonder if she was noticing. Then she sent herself a mail, that was, well, let's just say, what everyone was telling me, it was in there. I was absolutely crushed. I was beyond devastated. This was a woman whom I had been in love with for 2 years (my longest relationship yet) and there it was. I freaked out. I completely flipped out. I tried to call her, and she wouldn't take my calls. I became "the stalker."
Not to say I was stalking her, but I was "checking" up on her. I also lied to her when she finally DID come straight out, and give me the chance to "redeem" myself, by admitting that I violated her trust. Then, I took it a "step" further. I started talking to someone else, both on the phone, and via email. And I guess the curiosity got the best of her too, and she checked my email, and found the mails between her and I – and these weren't the typical, hey hows it going, how was your day mails, these were the, I wish I was with you right this minute, because I would be doing this to you type of emails. Things that took her and I quite a while to work up to, things that I had never done before Marsha, and here I was, doing it non-chalantly, with someone else. She was crushed as well. I suppose I could have deleted the mails, and nothing would have come of it (I was really NOT interested in the other person, I just wanted some attention) but I was really kind of hoping she would check my mail, and see them. Playing games is what some people call it. I call it, being an idiot and almost (luckily for me, not) ruining the greatest thing that ever happened in my life.
We talked about it for a while, and decided to give it another shot. But we were both being very guarded, and not trusting each other. To this day, we don't have that trust back, although we are working on it – we are kind of back to being "just friends" – but at the same time, she is my best friend, and even though I don't have that "trust" that I used to have, I do trust her enough to know that I can tell her anything, and she will listen, put in a word here or there when it is needed, tell me when I am being an idiot, back me up when I am not, and al around, just being the great woman that she is.
So that brings us back to the whole stomach in knots thing. Where do "we" go from here? I really don't know to be honest. We are still working on our communication, getting back to where we can tell each other *anything* about what is going on (more on her side about telling me anything) without being "judged" by it. We both know that we love each other very much, and that it is a very special relationship that we have. I guess my thing is, I have never been given as many chances as I have before, and likewise, I haven't given things the chance to work out either. Honestly, I am glad I didn't. Because then I would never have met someone who makes me feel the way I do. Sure, there are the ups and downs, but you know, I wouldn't change anything in the past, that got me to where I am today. The love of a woman who is heavenly to look at, but at the same time, that I can hold an intelligent conversation with – who is smart, and I mean, she says things that I have to go look up, not that I consider myself a genius, because I really know that I am not even close. I know that there are a ton of things out there that I don't know. But she can have an intelligent conversation about *anything* or a silly conversation about nothing. The time flys when we are together, it really is crazy how that happens, but we have been known to say, I have to goto bed in 5 minutes, and then "next" thing I know, it is 6 hours later, and I *know* I am going to be hurting at work that day. But would I change it? Never. Every minute spent with her is well worth it. I just hope and pray that we can get back to where we used to be. This is a woman that I am willing to dedicate the rest of my life to, and that I have never felt like it was, or I am, wasting my time with.
Ok, that was a way long post, probably one of my longest ever. Hopefully, not too many people will think too bad of me, but whatever, I just wanted to get stuff off my chest that I have been thinking about lately.
And to my special person out there, I love you very much, and I am glad that God brought you into my life.
